Fireworks Makes Me Cry

Im restless, ive been sitting infront of the monitor for almost 30 minutes now and yet i still dont know how to start, but yes, i have something in mind, rather something in my entire self thats worried about whats fast approaching now. The New Year.
I used to love holidays, splurge on the simple things it could bring, unfortunately no matter how much i try to inherit the ambiance of the season, i just cant, on the other hand, its rather like a curse to me, reminding me of how lucky some people are to be simply happy.
What does it take to be happy anyways? i was in the belief that im doing my best and thats i gave everything to be happy, i guess i was wrong because no matter how simple or complicated things are, the evidence is here. Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness..
Its funny that im afraid of something everyone else is excited about. Because thats something that would remind me that i was one of the very few lonely people , that , even my family or friends wont share the same feeling, as holidays like new year's eve is as special to them as it is with everyone else in the world. its the time that i will be reminded that, i am alone, because i cant be happy like the rest.
As much as beautiful fountains hurt my eye, as much as different colors in the sky astonish people, i will at that time be reminded that everyone is filled with joy and hopes, and i among everyone else, feels otherwise.
In the past years that i welcome the new year, i was sharing the same feeling with the rest of mankind, but now i am not, so whenever i see a magnificient show of fireworks in the sky, i cant help but envy those who enjoy the sight and how happy and fulfilling that would be for them to experience such grand spectacle. Because its true, astonishment touches hearts and shows true feelings, therefore happiness flows freely as much as sorrow.
Before, the sight of the new year bring me inate happiness and hope that overwhelms me, now its the other way around, each new year when i see fireworks display i shed tears for different reasons, but this time tears wont mean bewilderment, nor astomishment, nor joy, rather it would mean my deepest agony,my grief, my heartbreak, something ive been trying to cover with smiles and laughter and something ive been disposing of diligently.
Well, no matter what i do, i know its gonna come, i just hope the new year passes fast for me because i am really afraid to feel alone, seeming apart from the world and everyone else.
But i will be persistent until all the noises stop, until sparklers cease painting the night sky. I will resist, and like the rest of the world i will watch even if i am not sharing everyones spirit at the moment, even if fireworks makes me cry..

Missing in Action

Today, i learned that having true friends is really a treasure. Its that feeling that when you yourself are in pain, you want to outburst in tears upon seeing them, hearing their voice, reading their letter or text messages, makes you true to yourself, that hey, he's somebody who wont give a damn seeing how soft i am as a person, i can be true to myself should i want to break down, i can stop pretending that im OK and cry freely as i please.

I have a few friends and believe me, i can confide most to those i have not really seen in person, have not even heard his voice on the other line. But when i can feel their presence, im suddenly beginning to feel that its okay to cry, that i will be listened to, that i have somebody who cares for me, regardless..
Somehow, im a little sad because they seem to be floating away, and too little of the options i have to contact them, im extremely afraid, about them missing in action.

Just an email, just thru text..Hon
Hon (a call name) answered my email 2 days ago, i waited patiently for his reply and it took more than 2 months, i cant quite understand his letter to me, prior to that i have informed him that i have already ended my relationship with my partner. In the past 2 years, he was constantly with me in my continuous struggle, there was sometime that he was my source of strength, i value his words so much and i trusts him so much that he knows everything about the ups and downs of my relationship..In his reply he told me that he intended to not reply to me because he might say something not acceptable maybe not applicable and he worries that i may take that differently. I was delighted to hear from him, but more than that i was sad.. extremely sad, he did not even leave his celphone number, to think ive waited more than 2 months just for a reply. Evenso, i know that he really cares for me. Right Hon?
Irony, somebody who makes my complicated life a little better and somebody that i can only contact thru email and Text, i cant even text now bec i dont know his number..

Just thru YM, never seen each other, just heard voices
Intelasus thats his Mage's name in our RPG, waa whats happening to you im sick worried you ring my phone but when i answer its gone, im really worried about you and im afraid that you are a little mad at me, you told me that when i do something bad to myself you wont "pansin" me in heaven that you will just "deadma" me, but hey we are not in heaven yet but you are slipping away paps whats happening to you, Tampo nako sayo, you just tell me your contact number then ill call you overseas. kahit na mahal waaa.. i hate you na pag di moko tinawagan waaa.
Sickening, i heard your voice the first time after two years when you were already abroad, and now i cant even contact you because you did not give me your number or you must have forgotten, now that i want to hear you again, i have no means, no option but to wait.

The real deal, flesh, voice, message, and ehem some nice memories
He likes Red, I met him again and i was really expecting to see him in Eperformax because i know that he works there, but ive been with Eperf for quite some time already and still did not see him, only last Wednesday, I saw him in his favorite color, but he was quite indifferent to me, not my usual sweet Jiggs, really. I dont know, but im still making reservations, i know him and i know there must a reason why he can't even talk to me like he used to. When i saw him that night i want to hug him tight and start telling whats bothering me and what im really feeling, that i am hurt and that i am barely moving on, and that i feel so down and so little, i want to tell him everything like i used to, because i believe he care for me bec he's proven that more than any other friend could, much to my regret, he cant even talk to me, hurts me even more to feel that he cant even look at me, its still him, i know but, somehow it feels so different. Maybe its not my Jiggs, but just somebody else's boyfriend. I know, yeah right, i must be really guilty for ruining his relationship with Ira and with Tina, but i don't mean to.. i honestly don't mean to. Somehow, thinking back about the past made me sad, he might not be saying it but i know i have a major contribution for his past heartaches, he may not be blaming me but i know i have a fair share of blame, my existence in his life could be, he just could not say it.
Maybe, well just a lucky guess, maybe he was afraid to loose his girlfriend this time because of me.. not that we have a romantic relationship,no, we hardly see and talk to each other in the last two years, but just maybe, he was afraid that what happened to him with Ira and Tina, would happen again.. i dont want to realize that my hunch is true, because it would hurt me even more to let him go. He was a part of my life thats as important as my previous relationship, there was something beyond that i cant explain, nobody would understand how special he is to me. But should i prove that he was acting that way because my hunch is true, well.. well.. waaaaa. ayoko, pero sige..okay..kesa naman maging sad na naman sya.. I have always wanted to see him happy after all, he could be somebody else's boyfriend but he's still my Jiggs, and will forever be..

As much as i want to hear them, see them, feel them and make sumbong to them, i cant .. my beloved friends, my true friends are Missing In Action. Its really depressing, but i will wait, then again, hoping..wishful..longing

Oro (Orlo) the Fourth Planet

Yesterday, much to my surprise Aruarose launched a new patch with the 4th planet, Oro, the Planet of Gold. Im so happy that i want to go back playing Rose again hehehe, unfortunately the PC i have at home is only the minimum requirement so its very hard to play. But im still happy that i was able to see the fourth planet that we Prose players failed to experience..
Thanks to AruaRose GMs and Staff, as always Good Job guys!!

This is my character Hiraia standing in Kotopolis, Planet Orlo

Download ARUAROSE client now and register.

Not Just Imaginary

When i first learned how to play Online RPGs i never would have thought that I'll get so addicted and hooked into it. It was just a past time before then as i enjoy the environment in each and every login i make, the more fun levelling up and hunting became, making friends you could not really see, don't really know personally, it was fun, and i gave my all just to earn the trusts and love of the people in the server.
Unlike in RPG, i dont have so much friends, i am not an outgoing person and since i have devoted my most precious free time to my BF at that time, even going out with some of my closest friends seemed impossible, ROSE became our baby.
In contrast to what other people are saying, meeting online friends thru the game was a luck to me, because either i meet professionals or really nice people, some of them are actually textmates until now and even see each other during GAs.
These days were my lowest and last night i received a call from Dubai from a friend i thought only exist in ROSE, although when he was still in Manila he constantly emails me, checks on me, but, he never really get to talk to me or even hear me.He left for Dubai about a month now and i am very happy that he called me last night, i was so happy i cried for hours and hours and i was thankful thats theres still ONE good friend left to check on me, not chat with me, text me, but to talk to me, he was not my classmate, not my officemate, not my closest friend to consider. But he was the only .-ONLY person who managed to give me that much effort. Thank you Nelson.

Freakin' Heartbreak

Even after so many things that should have thought me how to be tough, i still feel weak, i still have so many questions and still hope for something that seems impossible..
Im so puzzled.. Until now, I dont understand the essence of loving and getting into a relationship, if not for a lifetime.. if humans have different capacities in intellect, why cant loving be an exception? Ive read so many self-help articles, even bought a book, isolated myself and seek professional help, ive prayed. Yes, i do.. People said that my mind is closed and i should accept the fact that after nine years its over, theres no more us, accept that the love i used to believe in the past 9 years is now an illusion, well infact i do, but then again, i cannot let go..
“Hearts break so it could open up for a new one”, catchy.., i read this line printed in one of the books i saw one time while strolling the mall, upon understanding the author's real thought i felt inspired and said to myself that he must be right, yeah.. but only after an hour of continues strolling a realization came to me like a conscience speaking, negating, contradicting the author's opinion – hearts break because somebody must have broken it, it opens up because somebody gets out of it.. you can call it a broken heart if it hurts, if it does not you call it freedom- but then again were not talking about freedom – we are talking about broken heart. For a moment, that authors opinion gave me a bit of hope..But i now realize, its just a consolation, after all, nobody whose entered a romantic relationship would think of it ending nor want it to end. No matter how healthy and good an experience broken heart can give, be real, nobody wants to be hurt nobody wants his/her heart broken regardless if it opens or not.
Waaahh.
I thought that im doing well, pretending im okay, im not hurt anymore..
Waaaahh..
I have so many questions but it all boils down to one generalization – that right now nothing can really make me feel better but myself and my own will to move on.. so many questions and yet the answers are just here – in my head..it is so simple and yet i cannot comprehend.
Gosh..Why am i writing something like this in my blog? when infact i know i wont get any answer and even if do.. will that be strong enough, encouraging enough to lift my spirit just for a few moment..like that line i saw a few days ago?. lifted me up a few hours, made me think that there's something joyful for me to look forward to..
Waaah, Im so helpless, i wish this will be over soon God knows how tired i am getting hurt, waiting. Hoping, doing my very best to let go, im doing something now i cant find the courage to do a year ago.. God help me..
Oh my Freaking Heartbreak HuuuShuu!.. Let Me Go.

Me : None else but..

My BLOG is Me

This is my blog, i realized that i should out more stuffs about myself too, thats one way for people to realize that this is not just a blog full of stuffs like how to earn money online.. but.. its true and i am not a bit shame to admit that i created this blog as a diversion..
The past month has been depressing and i am on the verge of emotional unstability. Putting up a blog like this interest me as mush as online games do as much as chatting do..
So, this blog will be full of Myself, everything i thought of, everything that interests me, everything that i want to share, after all, this is my blog ..

Etimology: Maureen

The girl's name Maureen \ma(u)-reen\ is pronounced maw-REEN. It is of Irish origin. Variant of Mary (Latin) "star of the sea". Maurissa and Maurisa may also be feminine forms of Maurice. See also Mara and Morisa. Actresses Maureen O' Sullivan, Maureen O'Hara.

Maureen has 17 variant forms: Maura, Maurene, Maurianne, Maurine, Maurisa, Maurise, Maurissa, Maurita, Maurizia, Mavra, Moira, Mora, Moreen, Morena, Morene, Moria and Morine.

Baby names that sound like Maureen are Mareen, Marien, Mareena and Maren.

Maureen is a very popular female first name and a very rare surname (source: 1990 U.S. Census). Displayed below is the baby name popularity trend for the girl's name Maureen.
To know the meaning of your name click here.

Numerology: My Birthdate

Born on the 28th. You possess a gift of Leadership,but it is employed best through cooperative effort. Your means are generally gentle persuasion, rather than overt displays of power.

You are unconventional, idealistic, and independent. You are extremely ambitious. You possess much self confidence, but need much encouragement. You have an exceptionally analytical and rational mind. You are an excellent planner, with a talent for directing and managing groups of people. You easily become frustrated with routine activities. You're willing to take risks.
There is a pioneer spirit in you. You like to be on the frontier of whatever you are doing. Once a project is started, however, you prefer to turn it over to others to run and maintain. You are a great starter, but are not much interested in keeping the show going.
You can be very stubborn and rigid once you have committed to an idea - something you do more than you realize. You tend to identify with your ideas and do not like them changed; you have a powerful ego-bond with most of what you do, which makes compromise difficult for you.
You are highly emotional and enjoy demonstrating your love. On the other hand, you can become irritated and angry easily, and are given to tantrums.
You are highly creative and have a great mind for marshalling facts in order to sell ideas. You make a wonderful debater and salesperson.
With your determination and inventive mind, you have potential for achievement and much financial success.

Know more about the symbolic meaning of your birthdate too, click here.

Getting To Know : PAYPAL

What is Paypal?

PayPal is the world's most popular "middleman service" for online purchasing. Where moneygrams and wire transfers were the standard in the 20th century, today over 99 million Internet users prefer to use PayPal to send money to each other via email. PayPal has become such a convenient and trusted way to transfer money online, 95% of eBay's purchases go through PayPal.

How does PayPal Work?
As an online financial transaction broker, PayPal lets people send money to each other's email addresses. At no time will either party see the other's credit card or bank information. Similar to an escrow service, PayPal acts as the middleman holder of money. Through its policies, practices, and business integrity, PayPal has earned the trust of both parties. With multiple guarantees in place, buyers and sellers entrust PayPal with their credit card and bank information. PayPal keeps that private customer information secret. Then, while "blinded" from the other party's confidential information, strangers safely send money to each other through PayPal and email.

PayPal Requirements
You need no special technology nor a business license to send/receive money through Paypal. The only requirements are:

1. a valid email address.
2. a valid credit card or bank account.

What are the Benefits of Using PayPal?

It's Fast Payments are made immediately, quicker than sending checks or money orders. It's Private PayPal does not reveal your financial information to sellers. It's Global PayPal is accepted worldwide, and can be used to make payments locally or internationally. It's Easy Send money to anyone in just a few clicks. It's Trusted Industry-leading fraud prevention keeps you safe and secure. It's Cost-Effective It's free to send money, and PayPal is affordable for businesses of all sizes.

My PTRs

PTR Guide - Things To Avoid

Scam & Junk Sites There are many sites out there which promise emails worth the likes of $50 or $100 and upwards. DO NOT join any of these sites. These are ridiculous attempts to take your money and you will never see a penny.

Avoid Spyware & Unwanted Software Installations Whilst avoiding Spyware is never 100% guaranteed, there are a few things you can do to help yourself avoid these little beggars, and other malicious software being installed on your machine. Some sites can install software silently in the background after you've visited them and you may or may not realise this until you have rebooted your computer. So here are our recommendations for the things you should have if you are a Windows user.

Use Any Browser But Internet Explorer Internet Explorer is the biggest browser in the world, granted, but it's also the weakest when it comes to avoiding these attacks, and until IE7 is released to the general public, steer clear. We recommend using a tabbed browser, which will allow you to tabs within the same window, making browsing much more organized. Mozilla Firefox. This browser has the capability to stop websites installing software on your machine and is much less prone to getting caught out by malicious websites. It is tabbed and is customizable, so you can make it look more to your taste too. :) Microsoft Anti-Spyware A tool from Microsoft that offers real-time protection against websites trying to change things on your machine, as well as catching spyware before it is able to get itself a nest! Microsoft will throw money at this until it's the biggest around. It's free, and definitely well worth having.

A Good Anti-Virus Software Package Whilst there are many anti-virus packages around, we prefer to use either Norton AntiVirus or McAfee ** credits to www.ptrinfo.com **

PTR Guide - Getting Paid

Now getting paid is the good part :) and I guess the endgame for the majority of people, so how does it work? Well again, this is down to how the owner of the site wishes to work it. Some will pay you automatically once you reach the minimum payout, some will pay you once a month regardless of how much is in your account, and some will have to be requested by you. If you are required to request yourself, many sites these days have a payout button that appears once you reach the minimum amount and you simply hit this, and are placed in a queue to be paid. But like I say, because sites work differently, ensure you read the help section of the site to find out how you will be paid, and whether or not you should request it yourself.

But most important here, is that you have the correct payment details setup. Within your member profile, a space is provided to put in your payment details, and if these are not correct, your payment may be delayed or skipped altogether, and you'd have to request again. So always ensure it is correct, please! :)

Keep all that right and you'll be well on your way to earning some extra cash.

** credits to www.ptrinfo.com **

PTR Guide - Receiving Emails

OK, so you're all signed up and eager to get going, I'm sure :)
Well now the emails should start coming through, not always instantly, but depending on the site you signed up with, may be straight away. Always bear in mind that volume of mail will can vary greatly from site to site because different sites will have more advertisers than others, hence they can send out more mails.

There are 2 main types of email you may or may not receive, depending on what you chose when opting in to the various categories on the signup form. Let's explain these.

Normal Advertisements
These are run-of-the-mill ads where somebody may be advertising a product, or perhaps another website, something like that....but these are ones where a link is there for you to click, you click it, and once the website appears, you are to wait for 15 to 30 seconds for a timer to reach 0. Once that happens, your account is credited and you can close the window.
You cannot open more than 1 email at a time from the same website, though you can open mails from others. Attempts to open up emails from the same sender will result in a message appearing telling you something along the lines of You must wait for the timer to reach 0 before clicking again.

Search Emails
Now not every site will send these, and some will ONLY send these, so you should check what each site is offering. Search emails are mails sent out, with the intention of not just having you click on a link, but after doing so, you should search for something or click on one of the categories, AND THEN, click on a link that was produced by the search results.

Sounds long winded, and it can be, if you are doing many of them. But keep it in proportion and you'll not only help bump up your own earnings but you'll be doing the site some good too, as the more searches an advertiser gets on their link, the more likely they are to come back. So to make a valid search, do the following.... 1. Click the link in your email, 2. Enter a search term in the box provided 3. From the search results, click on a link and visit that site 4. Allow the site to load fully before closing the window.

Remember, the more sites you join, the more emails you will get, so be ready to set a bit of time aside to get thru them, but be honest, don't cheat and you'll be fine :)

** credits to www.ptrinfo.com **

PTR Guide - Signing Up

OK, so you've got all of the above and want to start getting mails! PTRInfo is a great place to start, as a resource for seeing who's popular right now and who's paying, so have a look round and see which sites you like. Go to them and follow the links to join.

Most sites require that you input your email address into a form, which when done, will send you a signup email containing a link to a more detailed form. When signing up, you will be required to give some personal information, usually your name, address etc... and your preferred method of payment, which you should now have available to you. Simply complete the form as fully as possible.

One other section to note is usually the section containing a lot of tickboxes. These are your opt in categories, the more you choose, the more emails you should receive, but beware because a lot of boxes are put there to hunt out cheaters.
For example, a box may be entitled, I Am A Cheater or Delete Me, so as you should always do, read carefully and show an interest in what you are doing. Only tick the categories you wish to receive emails on.

Once the form is fully completed, submit it and you should now become a member, assuming there are no errors in the form from you.

** credits to www.preguide.com **

PTR Guide - Payment Processors

You may well have heard of the likes of Paypal, Stormpay or perhaps E-Gold or Moneybookers. These are just some of the bigger names in this area and you'll need accounts with these to cover all bases.
Of course, you'll need to follow each individual websites instructions for getting registered etc... and especially for how to fund your account should you require it, but for now, you just want an account setup so as to receive your paid email money into. We've provided shortcuts below to the main offerings.




** credits to www.ptrinfo.com **

PTR Guide - Things You'll Need

As a minimum, you'll need the following before going off and just registering at lots of PTR sites, so make sure you have all of these before rushing off headlong into it.

Choose A Username
Try to pick a username that is unique, so that you can use it throughout every site you join. This is by no means a requirement, but for consistency, it's easier to remember. It's obvious jsmith is going to be a lot more likely to be used than js040879, so consider using something like that, perhaps with a date of birth on the end of your initials, whatever you feel comfortable with.

Choose A Secure Password
Passwords should always be as secure as you can make it, so using a combination of letters and numbers is a very good idea. The longer the password, the better also, but not too long, unless you are sure you will remember it. As a minimum, a password length of 8-10 characters is what we would advise, and like we say, use letters and numbers to keep it secure.
We do not advise keeping the same password for every site you join, as if one website gets hacked, then the hacker can try your details at other sites and may gain access, so keep them different if possible, but this is entirely down to how you wish to work.

Valid Email Address
It makes sense to have all your mails coming into the same email address. You can simply use your existing address, or if you plan to join lots of sites (which will means lots of emails), we prefer to keep them seperate from personal emails, and as such, create a seperate email account for that very reason.
If this is not for you, then fine, simply use your existing personal address, however, if you wish to create a new one for paid emails, you can sign up for a free GMAIL account.

Pay Processor Accounts
Different websites use different pay processors, which is where you will receive your payments when you have reached the minimum payment amount. So you will need to set yourself up with these accounts.

** credits to www.ptrinfo.com **

Guide : What is PTR?

PTR stands for Paid To Read - and is something you can use to earn some extra money whilst not leaving your own computer. A PTR website you join, pays you to receive opt-in emails from advertisers who want you to visit their website. You will receive the email, click on a link and stay on that website for a predetermined amount of time, to give you chance to see what the advertiser is offering. A timer will count down (usually 15-30 seconds) and once finished, your account will be credited with the value of the email.

welcome to my corner

hi people, friends and countrymen (hihi), and other country's men (hihihi)

its my first time here in blogspot and im really excited !!

i <3>