Emoing

I've been through a lot lately..
I dont know maybe growing up does not really take an overnight, me, being naturally stubborn learning really takes time, i guess, because the more i see it the more i deny it, its because my heart is just too big to accept it.
I was on the bus heading home from Cubao, i just signed another job offer. Luck is coming my way, It should be, its my birthday, I should have started in tthat company 3 months back, unfortunately i chose to work closer, therefor, i went for Eperformax..
As i was heading home, im feeling a bit emoional having my music player maxed on.. Feels good to let it go, anyways, nobody would care, im at the rear part of the bus and the windows are adorned with thick draperies, so i just let it all go, everything im feeling and somehow it made me feel better.. being in tune to what you feel, not preventing yourself from remembering people associated with the songs you hear.. Accepting it..all of it..happiness, longing,pain embracing every experience at the moment .. acknowledging their existence..
Life..28 yrs of me.
It was a long movie, but it was worthwhile to remember it.. yah just remember it, never live on it..

Just wish me a Happy Birthday

My Birthday is almost here.. except that its a special day for me because its the day i was born or the day that made my parents happy, other than that, maybe thats just one ordinary day.. But heres the catch.. how many people on earth were born on a leap year.. Lol, because i was..

Yeah.. i was told i was really born early morning of February 29, and since my parents would prefer me to be more likely "normal" i was registered in Pasig Municipality under February 28.. since that was the closest.. more or less.. Theres nothing really special about that day.. actually i thought that this will be one memorable birthday for me.. but i guess i can only hope for the best at this moment..Even i dont know where to go right now. I am confused with my own life and i dont know which turns are wrong..

Since November, I was fearing that this day would come that I'd be alone.. and i guess i would really be..Well, its my birthday anyways..so i guess I just have to live the fact that being alone that day would be okay.. On my birthday i wont take my phone with me, even if i know i will be rained with calls and greetings, i will reserve this time to myself..Enjoying myself, loving myself since no one does... Where will i go? grr I got limited budget.. i just lost my job didn't I? But where? Ill go abroad hehehe or ill go to zamboanga and play roseonline in Edwins computer shop, maybe ill go to Bataan to meet Lalaine and her cousins..Maybe i'll go to Roly's and spend a day in the pc shop with his friends. Maybe ill go to Elbi and drink all night with our badminton friends. or Maybe ill go see old friends and enjoy a nice Mary Kay make over.. Maybe i can also go to Tagaytay myself, walk walk and walk until im so dead exhausted. or i can go to Cubao and take the next trip to Baguio, or maybe i can go Star City alone and ride all the stuffs that i fear of. Or maybe i can go Batangas pier and take the earliest boat going Galera.. or the cheapest ferry going to Calapan, heading home to Naujan..

Where..?

Maybe also i can ask MrMouse extra money so i can buy a ticket to #*@@$ (decode that if u can) and hug one person then go back home. Maybe go to SG and take all pictures of myself everywhere. Or go to Bev in HK and have tea in Kowloon House.. I really think i deserve something for myself on that day.. but what??

Everything is so limited.. i feel like im in a cage but unwanted.. I wanna go far and i wanna be in a place where no one knows me..where i can cry and no one would care..i can laugh and go naked and no one would even bother to stare.. Where i can shout freely, carelessly, never minding any spectacles around..I wanna go to a place where i can leave it all.. The pain, the longging, the misery, the love. I think i deserve that right? if not always, well atleast on my birthday..

Im turning 28, and im still the same,childish me, im still the same me..Nothing good is happenning in my life, and i felt like the career im best at is being addictive to despair.. I wish that day would come and pass, because on that day i will again be reminded of how beautiful life is, excluding my own..

Well.. Just wish me a Happy Birthday..

Pie's New Phone Photos

Uploaded to Multiply..
Here are the photos (samples) uploaded from my sisters's new clam phone.. Ofcourse since thats her phone, some are her photos, some of photos at home, in the office, int he room, in the bed and of course yours truly.. hehe .. Indulge!



Thats my sister .. Pia Marie, ganda nya noh, she's younger
than me,she's 24 now.. oh she's a blogger too.. Some of her pics were taken from the office with her friends, some in our house while playing with our dogs.





Thats her trying to get my dog out under the table, she could not get her out, so she went herself down the floor.. see.. my Miki obeys only me.. you can only have her obey you if you have something to give her,or if you can give a nice scratch to her ears . bad doogie..hehehe

Then here i am, again lying down the bed hehe, why are my pics taken from the same spot? you might wonder why.. thats because the room's color was either too bright during the morning or too dull at night so thats the best place to give me the nicest color and effect. other than that im too lazy to even bother sitting or standing. .. again, thats me smiling on my own, 1.. 2.. 3.. Click!

HiRaIa's Hubbey

Look, there he is the man behind Intelasus, Hebarnian mage of AruaRose, a private server that rise after Prose's falldown. He used to be Mistermelo of Prose, rather Luvaboi for everyone.. Yes he is Neil my bestfriend online, He is Nelson Lopez Ungson, 23, chickboy (hahaha lagot ako neto) , a very sweet and thoughtful person, and a good songer too.. He was once special to me (ehem..). But Im glad. That we can remain to be close friends. With Neil, Ive seen a perfect mirror of myself. More than 3thousand players in one server and you met someone thats gonna be an important part of your life.. Isn't that amazing? Do they call that fate? or destiny? Aw.. diba i never believed in destiny? diba i abhor fate? well.. cguro when i met him online before, its just a preparation for me to realize something.. i met him years back, but too bad because my realization came in about 4 months late..

smile for me ... i like it when i laugh, because he smiles, the suplado smiles . finally..

He scares me.. Really he had the most suplado voice I've known, minsan nga i dunno where the Luvaboi is diko mafeel, but.. he has his ways to make up for the distance.. He was sweet, pero pangalawa lang sakin.. hindi nyako kayang talunin.. nyahahaha.. I courted him I did not allow him to court me.. because i want to be special i want him to remember me as the only girl who courted him nyahaha may sira na yata ako nun.. Im so childlike that i always wanted to be remembered.. but my ways are effortless naman, ganun yata talaga ko palibhasa iniwan ako ng dati kong BF at nalink sa kung kani kninong asawa ng may asawa, ina ng mga dalagang ina at Premiere Girls ng opisina.. ganun cguro tlga naguumapaw ang lambing ng isang tao kung nasupress ng mahabng panahon, hindi mailabas ng mahabang panahon..
But.. we know its gonna be against all odds, kaya eto kahit naluluha na naman ako tumatawa prin ako, kasi parang may mali.. ah cguro tama .. msakit lang talaga.. Neil thought me how to be strong. Need i say na he was my salvation, he took me out of a broken heart that ive been yearning for a long time.. And he gave me another one (nyahahahaha, lol, its hurt u know).
Kidding aside, Im Happy that he loved me. I have no regrets meeting him and knowing him..Ooops, Im not one of the Girls.. I dont want to be included in the list.. Im Just simply his Baby, and he my Hubbey..

The Best I Love You

girl to boy

how many i love you's have u heard?
how many girls have you heard them from?
i assume theres many..
thats why..
my thoughts are tumbled
seeking the best combination
to say "i love you"
and to mean it, the way no one else has
i may truly be selfish
bec i want to be the best
being remembered as the best
loved with at your best
so i seek
what will melt your resistance?
what will bring your devotion?
what will win your heart?
should i whisper it to you?
should i cry my lungs out?
i am desperate to find the rightest
and yet simplest " i love you"
a combination that will keep you forever..
.. believing.. hoping..loving


boy to girl

Ive heard so many I love You's
from girls whom i loved and left
yes, there's many, even more
thats why
my thoughts are tumbled
seeking the best combination
to believe, and say "me too, i love you"
and to simply mean it the way you do
i may truly be worthless
bec i aint one of the best
not even known a bit good
But i love you too.. no less
and so it came
Your simplicity melt my resistance
Your honesty captured my devotion
Your love won my heart
Theres no need for whispers
Cause For you I'd cry it out
In you i found the rightest
The most adorable meaning of love
A combination that will keep me forever..
.. believing.. hoping ..loving

Love Letter

I don't have the habit of imitating love letters, somehow this one's an exemption.. I like this very much as the flow of thought was never jeopardized for creativity. it may seem simple when you first read it it ..may seem shallow, but theres more into it..

1 "The great love that I have for you

2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you

3 grows every day. When I see you,

4 I do not even like your face;

5 the one thing that I want to do is to

6 look at other girls. I never wanted to

7 marry you. Our last conversation

8 was very boring and has not

9 made me look forward to seeing you again.

10 You think only of yourself.

11 If we were married, I know that I would find

12 life very difficult, and I would have no

13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart

14 to give, but it is not something that

15 I want to give to you. No one is more

16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not

17 able to care for me and help me.

18 I sincerely want you to understand that

19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor

20 if you think this is the end. Do not try

21 to answer this. Your letters are full of

22 things that do not interest me. You have no

23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,

24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that

25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read >> 1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd No.'s) go read it once again but the Odd Number lines..

5 / 20 Courtship Tips For Women

I
Only consider courtship at a time in your life when you are ready to consider marriage. Until that time–foster the virtue of friendship and hold off the romance until you are really ready for it.

II
Only enter into a courtship with a man whom you would consider marrying. A woman might consider “just” dating any guy that she’s attracted to as long as she has no sense of long-term commitment. The problem arises when she’s grown attached to him after a period of time and can’t bring herself to breaking off the relationship, even when it’s not good. She may end up marrying a man that she otherwise would not have. Set the stakes higher–only court with a man you’d consider marrying.

III
Enter a courtship to discern whether or not you are called to marriage with a certain man. Courtship is dating with a purpose. If you know that you would not consider marriage with this man, or you are not ready to consider marriage yet, then don’t enter into a courtship. Stay friends or acquaintances for the time being. Courtship is about prayerful discernment, which means you will decide either that God is not calling you to marriage with this man or that He is not. Both outcomes are valid in a courtship!

IV
Take time through prayer to discern God’s will. You need to foster prayer in your lives individually and as a couple. You can not know God’s will without prayer.

V
Base your courtship in the family: As much as possible, spend time with each other’s families. This is so important–for if you do end up married, you’ll want to get along. Family is an invaluable resource and such an integral part of who we are. You will learn much about each other by seeing how each other relates to family members. And your family, in turn, can give you much insight about the man with whom you are courting (and his family, about you!) Family sees things we don’t always see. Love can be blind at times–family (and friends) can really help to correct our vision. If you are far from family, make every effort to get home and spend time with them. And in the meantime, adopt a family (friends from Church, for example) to provide for you all the benefits of a family-based courtship.

Taken from CourtshipNow.Com

General Cleaning

Nobody's Girl.
I am .. as nobody owns me now, neither do i own anyone, i am free, and i choose to be like this until the right time comes or until the right person comes. I won't look around, i will only go forward, for ward, forward, no more side steps, no more turns, no stepping backs ..
Hope lost me, so i let go of hope .. But i am filled with something different hope cant even outwin. This time i'll let God work for me .. I have a strong desire to forgive, forget and wish for an ideal relationship with everyone, even with them who left me, even with him who hurt me.. I can only see the best things now.. Funny, last night was very short for me to realize that everything has no sense at all when it took me two years (or more) to hold back ..
From now on, I'll be stepping out of his shadow, and let me begin by cleaning the clutter here in my blog, Neil needless to say i should remove our pics because i have already done that a few hours ago.. Ive returned his password to his friendster account, i've returned the key to the apartment, i've erased his number from my celphone, his email from my YM, his and his family's contacts from my Chikka, i've deleted his character in Aruarose, i've done all the possible way to completely erase him from my present life..
I'm trying to live out of his shadows now.. or even before since i left elbi, but only recently i found the courage to leap longer not just merely step forward.
I know i can't be wrong doing this.. how can i be? When it feels just so so so Right !

I Should Love Myself (daw ..)

Once alone in Ayala Ave, Ive met a long lost schoolmate .. I'd be honest, i was surprised because he was totally different from how he was when we were just "kids" .. It was a short five minutes, we were both waiting for a cab, him going to Market Market, and me off to Pacific Star.. I was more surprised when he mentioned, having felt sorry for me.. i would not be able to guess why, but he mentioned that he sort of read some from my friendster profile, some from my friendster blog and some from here .. I was flattered lol.. and even at a short five minutes time we touched so much things, considering we haven't seen each other in the last 15 yrs. He was so different from the way he was before. And in amazement i just stare. It was an extremely nice change. Before I hailed the cab approaching, he took my celphone from my hands and typed his number quickly, made a short call to his own cel to get my contact details, gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and said he'll see me some other time. I never said yes nor affirmed nor refuse, I just smiled..
As i was near the corner of Buendia, i received a msg from him.. "Love Yourself More.. You are one lovely creature to be living with a broken heart.."
And as i get off the cab infront BPI Buendia, i realized, Yeah .. if i cant find love, well then I'll let Love find me..

Emptiness , All There Is

Y__Y
I Don't Know..
Maybe Im just really the emotional type, considering what im going through. This is the first time in 8 years that i will be celebrating Valentines day without somebody. LOL, do i even need to celebrate it?.. My friends say it doesn't matter, not even half of the world enjoys the day, and im part of more than the other half, therefore i may not have somebody, but, i have everyone. LOL whatta consolation..
Honestly, even in the last 8 years, I never remembered spending Valentines day with a Bang.. Talking about luck.. Never had that in my past relationship. Not even a memorable heart warming and feet sweeping Valentines day, what a misfortune.
February 14, fast approaching now, i feel so empty, but i know that deep inside i am extremely lonely. And i know its very shallow, but as each day pass by, i'm getting more and more stressed and i know its showing, i am very irritable now and my patience is down low, im getting tired at simple things , i cant sleep and i feel very sick. Maybe, I am in denial, just trying to be happy when i am truly not, or maybe im trying to cling to the past i am used to, even if i know there wasn't a blissful moment to recall.
Im tired of fearing the holidays, im tired of feeling empty, im so so so tired of being lonely..