The Human Centipede

Me no likey centipedes. I'm so disgusted by them that the mere mention of the word "centipede" drives me nucking futs. I even have this weird paranoid delusion that these little spawn-of-Satan insects can actually sense my fear and will appear if I think about them too much or say the word "centipede" out loud, like saying "Candyman" five times in front of a mirror.

It's ridic, I know.

So needless to say, I was already convinced The Human Centipede was going to be the most disgusting movie I would ever see, just based on the title alone. Then I actually read up on it and realized it was about ass-to-mouth shenanigans in Germany...

Eventually I came to and braced myself for what I assumed would be a feature-length version of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. And then I watched it and BAM!....

Nothing. No vomit. Not even a little dry heave.

How disappointing to find out this movie is actually incredibly tame. And that's a bit confusing to me. I mean, if you're gonna make a movie called The Human Centipede involving characters getting down and dirty in each others asses, then actually make it disgusting or what's the point, right?

When the movie begins, we're introduced to a couple of young, ditsy American women on a road trip through Europe. Currently traveling through Germany, they hear word of a big party, get directions and hit the road. On their way there, they inevitably get lost and end up stranded with a flat tire and yada yada yada, they knock on the wrong door for help. Luckily for us, the owner of said wrong door just so happens to be Mr. Mad Scientist who's obsessed with sewing peoples mouths onto other peoples anuses. Who would have thunk it?

By doing this procedure, it creates a single digestive track that runs through all the people fused together. So it basically creates one long person with lots of legs and arms, like a centipede. Get it? Now, according to the theatrical poster, it states that this film is 100% medically accurate. Umm...yeah, okay. Really? I mean, when you eat something, doesn't your body soak up all the nutrients (or, you know, whatevs) and then crap out the leftover stuff that your body doesn't need? So when the second and third people in the chain get fed the first person's crap, wouldn't that not work, in terms of nutrition? I don't get it. I guess I'm wrong, then. I don't know.

Before the procedure is done, there's a slight bit of suspense, I suppose, as one of the women gets free from her restraints and tries to escape. But I think it's safe to assume she doesn't. So the attempt at suspense here is pretty pointless. And then once the two women and a frantic Asian dude are fused together, it basically becomes How To Train Your Human Centipede. Mr. Mad Scientist even tries to get the Human Centipede to bring him the newspaper, as if it were a dog, which is kind of...well, stupid. I mean, why would you create a human centipede just to make is act like an frickin dog? That kinda seems like a waste if ya ask me. But anyway, after all this training bullcrap, the "suspense" picks up once more, but again, it all seems fairly pointless for obvious reasons.

For the most part, The Human Centipede, while being oddly entertaining, is merely a disgusting and disturbing concept and not much else. We never get the expected goods. Instead, we just get lots of crying, crawling and tremendously bad acting/dialogue. Let's just say it's lucky for us that the women had anuses stuck to their mouths for the better part of the film. Unfortunately, no such luck with Mr. Mad Scientist, allowing him one seriously over-the-top performance. But then again, he is a mad scientist after all. So I guess that's sort of his shtick.

Writer/director Tom Six has actually planned for this film to be the first in a trilogy. And while I can't quite imagine how this storyline could possibly expand into two more films, I guess that might explain why it felt like too much of a setup with no real payoff. I suppose the sequels will be the real payoff. Now we just have to wait and see.

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